Showmare (s. noun)
A nightmare directly related to an upcoming show or performance in which one imagines every possible thing going wrong.
I talk about my anxiety. A lot. I write about my anxiety in blogs. A lot. I make jokes about it and speak of it objectively. Everyone knows I’m anxious. I’m super open about it and my struggles with it in my life. But. I think talking about my anxiety and SEEING my anxiety in action are two very different things.
It’s hard for me to show my anxiety and it’s hard for me to have people witness it first hand. I’m anxious about people seeing me anxious. Seeing the smile drop from my face and my jaw tighten. Seeing hope fully drain from my eyes and my tone sharpen when I speak. I want to be a positive force in the world- I like to be smiles and positivity. I strive for “perky and cheery” as much as possible, but when push comes to shove, my anxiety is real.
A huge part of the process of IMissYou for me has been being vulnerable and being anxious in front of people and moving through it. Continuing to work and not letting it get in the way. Trying to get over being anxious that I’m anxious. Trusting the people you work with is super important. Trusting and creating a space space where you can be “you” without judgement. I fear more than anything being labeled as “difficult to work with” or being labeled as “incapable of working” because I’m too anxious. Those two thoughts literally drive me mad. It’s what I get anxious about. I’m anxious about being anxious. I’ve had the best team- which I’ve already written about- that I’ve trusted so fully on this process. It has been hard psychologically to be a solo performer, let alone working on the subject material that I’m working on. (More on that in my next post).
On a lighter note. Here is a list of the Showmares I’ve had so far…
- No sound coming out of my mouth when I speak
- My lips falling off
- The audience all leaving mid-show
- The audience showing up SO DRUNK that they can’t pay attention to my show
- Losing my shoes and therefore not being able to go on (I don’t wear shoes in this show)
- Everyone losing their tickets and not being able to come (there are no physical tickets)
- The lights exploding
- People calling me out on the show being dumb
- Spelling every word in the entire program wrong.
- The space being locked and no one having a key
- My arm falling off before the show
- My knee exploding
Showmares are real and I’m living with them nightly (usually waking me up around 4am). My anxiety is real and those close to me are getting an intimate look at it, but I think thats okay. It’s temporary and worth it. (I think).